Sometimes I feel a bit weird posting all of this personal information on the internet, but I’ve learned a few things over the years. First, I can’t get what I want without defining what that is, the more specific my requests, the better the results have been. Second, saying what I want out loud is powerful. It’s like the lion’s roar. The weak and timid run in fear. Third, writing intentions down is powerful. Things happen faster when they are written down. Writing feels like more of a commitment than speaking. Words can be spoken halfheartedly with ease. They float into the air, are more quickly forgotten, and are easily misinterpreted. This is why we say talk is cheap, yes? Writing, even when it’s on the interwebs, feels like it takes more work, it’s more permanent.
I’ve posted information about my preferences on dating sites before, but I was never able to be authentic in those venues. This space is mine, and feel totally free to be myself. Part of the reason I feel no fear is that I have no idea who’s reading this blog, and when I do get an idea, the feedback has been overwhelmingly positive, so I am encouraged to keep on as I have been.
There was an exercise in the If the Buddha Dated book that I just finished, and it asked me to honestly think about the qualities and traits I want in a partner at each of the levels of bonding.
I’ve been dating for 18 months now, and I’ve learned a shit ton from this period of time. Mostly that I’ve dated people for all the wrong reasons. I think it’s time I start getting it right. It’s overdue. The longest I’ve been with a partner for a continuous amount of time was two years (there was one where we broke up and got back together, it spanned a period of five years…messssssssy). I’ve now been with just myself for as long as I have been with any other person. That is a good feeling.
a. someone who is financially stable, or is looking to be financially secure, who sees money as a servant rather than a master.
b. someone who is interested in building riches of all kinds in and around the relationship. who knows how to be generous and how to give and receive. who gives from a place of love, expecting nothing in return and who receives with gratitude and trust. I am interested someone who sees prosperity as a tool for adding value to their life. someone who is interested in quality over quantity.
b2. wealth or status at the onset of the relationship is irrelevant. if the person is not in a great financial position there is tremendous opportunity to support each other as we secure our own futures. if the person is more financially stable than i am i will have the opportunity to learn and grow from their good practices. Positive and balanced views about wealth are necessary.
c. i have a lower and upper limit when it come to age. 27 is my lower limit and 38 is my upper limit. What’s most important is that I’m not made to feel like a parent or a child. I suppose the person could be much older or younger than my limits as long as I felt that I could be my true self and not expected to play any of the aforementioned roles.
d. education attainment is irrelevant as long as the person has built a sustainable lifestyle that allows for growth and renegotiation of interests and roles. Definitely don’t want someone who’s against education, although I’m a bit against formal education right now. Did anyone ever teach me about love in school? nope. Did anyone teach me how to be a true, authentic individual in school? nope. Did I get rejected from art school and do I still have some bitterness about that? yes. I’ve made the greatest strides on my own, and definitely don’t think formal education is necessary as long as you’re enrolled in life.
e. i would prefer a partner who is physically fit or has a body that shows the signs of self-care and respect. i haven’t been very physically active lately, besides walking, but I have my moments. heights and weights don’t matter. i actually prefer men who are close to my own size because the sex tends to feel more intimate, also I can borrow their clothes without looking like a hobo. i like kind eyes.
f. status (class) is unimportant as long as there is self-love and humility, a realization that class is an artificial imposition of humankind, an illusion. I have friends from all walks of life, the person I’m with would have to be comfortable flowing in and out of different groups.
a. the ability to discuss different issues from various perspectives is highly valued because it would encourage me to keep growing and stretching. Also, it might be nice to have someone who has different interests than my own. I can get a little involved in my own interests, like now…what the fuck is going on in the rest of the world? I have no idea. Depending on what they like their interests could also be a great source of inspiration to me. I get my best ideas from challenging conversations and while looking into areas that are more gray than black and white.
b. The ability to hold a deep conversations and appreciate silences. I am not one to hold constant conversation, and would like to be able to engage in quiet activities as well.
c. I don’t need someone who thinks exactly like me, only someone who is understanding, compassionate, and respectful of my views and positions. someone who knows how to have a fair argument and even better post-argument sex. Someone that doesn’t feel the need to be right, cause there is no absolute right or wrong, just your lived experience and my lived experience.
d. wisdom is important, and use of intelligence to benefit themselves (most important), friends, family, or a community.
a. Specific hobbies seem unimportant. I don’t expect my partner to want to do the things that I like to do. I think it’s important that my partner have interests outside of the relationship. Right now I have some pretty clear hobbies/life plans. I’ve figured out how to occupy my time, and I feel disconnected from myself when I’m not engaged in these things.
b. I would like my partner to be generally interested in what I’m doing, because what I am doing is woven into my life. if you love me you have to love what i am doing.
also, i’m not exactly sure where this journey is going to take me. I plan on traveling all over the world with my art, so someone who likes and is able to travel is essential.
c. i want someone with a balanced view of work, mainly because i need help in this area and would love someone who can show me how to better treat work and play (more play less work or work that is more like play).
d. leisure time could include any activity which encourages introspection or community building, releasing energies physically or relaxation, creative endeavors, activities that further bond the relationship (like making a rocking chair/food/house together) or creative consumption that encourages growth, recovery, or facilitation of healthy relationships.
f. I would like there to be some activities that we share. cooking is one that makes me feel especially bonded to someone else. taking on household projects would also feel amazing. If the person happened to have an artistic side.
a. I am into faith, but not interested in being devoted to one particular religion. I enjoy exploring different faiths. Religion has not been a central concern of mine since childhood. I only bow consistently at the temple of love.
b. I actually feel ambivalent about whether or not I want to have children. If I had to give an answer now I would say no. I love children. I love being around them, helping them explore the world and think about what’s going on around and inside of them – for a couple of hours, and then I like to send them home to their parents. Do I have what it takes to be a mother? Probably. Do I want to explore that option? Maybe. Am I vain and am I enjoying the benefits of having a nice bod/being able to control my urine flow still? yes. I have a bunch of nephews right now, and have enjoyed watching them grow up. I don’t think I could be with a man who didn’t at the very least, like children. We’re all still babies when you think about it. Disliking children is disliking yourself.
c. Some of the things I value are: beauty, (personal) truth, kindness, empathy, compassion, humor, respect/appreciation of nature, openness, adventurous spirit
d. I like where I’m living now, I love San Francisco. I also know that ideally I would like more changes of scenery. My mind keeps telling me to write down this thought that is floating around…I want to spend half of my time somewhere quiet, doing work, and the other half of my time around people, getting inspired. Right now my only complaint about the city is that there are too few silent spaces, and I’m always having to dodge distractions.
5. Psychological/Emotional Clearness
a. capacity for intimacy is a huge requirement for me. both emotionally and physically. emotional intimacy is especially important because of the nature of my work. i am, by choice, what is called a confessional artist, meaning my work springs from my lived experiences and my stream of consciousness. in order for a relationship to work my partner would have to be able to accept my openness, and find deeper and more emotionally significant ways of connecting with me. on the physical level, I really like non-sexual, intimate touching, and intimate body language.
b. it is really important that my partner has the ability to ask for what they want very clearly, state what their expectations/intentions are, and meet me half way/has the ability to compromise.
c. self-awareness is key.
a. creativity is a huge part of my life. i try to do everything creatively, a partner who participates would be amazing. there are great opportunities for bonding in these moments. i’ve watched couples at the fabric store picking out items together. my favorites are the couples that obviously have shared wealth, like the people who were picking out trim for pillows on their boat (how sweet).
b. playfulness is really important. i can be really silly, i like gentle teasing, i like playing slightly competitive card games.
c. enthusiasm goes a long way.
a. Last year when I was feeling real blue and wondering what was in store for me I remembered that my greatest goal was to have sex that felt close to spiritual experience – a union of souls. I didn’t know anyone who shared these views, certainly no one was expressing this on OKC, and I felt weird for having these thoughts. Now I know that I was just looking for a spiritual bond. I’ve had the good fortune of being able to get to know myself over the past year, and I feel comfortable opening up to new energies.
b. I know that asking and welcoming a partner into my life is a big decision. I’ve been careless about it in the (recent) past. Lesson learned. Who I invite is important, since this person will no doubt affect me in life changing ways. I want those changes to be positive.
c. I want to feel a kind of trust that I have not felt in a relationship before, where unity not winning is the goal.
a. I’m not even sure I know what this means. The book defines it as “honest, kind, and compassionate, without projections and idealizations, present.” This sounds pretty amazing, so yeah, I could get down with those things. This is very important now that I think about it more. I’ve been frustrated because many of the men I’ve dated have seen what they wanted to see, without ever seeing me. I’ve gotten to a good point in my psychology where I am able to interact with people with no expectations of what they’re going to be like. I was very conscience of this change as this was not always the case. I thank my lucky stars for having worked in customer service, it has made all the difference. My goal would be to be able to do the same thing with a partner.
This is very important to me.
Okay. I’m tired of typing now. Time to go live my life.
Love and enjoy.